Matilda’s Take on the 3 a.m. Chicken

My Person took me to The Place That Always Gives Me A Shot last week. I hate that place. Every single time I go there, they “ooo” and “ahhh” over me, and then they take me to the back and stick a needle in my hind parts. I absolutely hate that place and I don’t understand for the life of me why My Person insists on taking me there, but I have to admit, I usually feel better afterwards.

This trip was a little different. They took me to the back and put a mask on my face. The next thing I knew, I was fighting hard to wake up from a really long nap. I don’t know what those people did to me while I was sleeping, but I woke up feeling like someone had slipped me a mickey. I could barely keep my eyes open and I felt like my head weighed 20 pounds. I kept going in and out of sleep really fast, just like when My Person is watching that tv show with the two funny cops and the little boy that she watches over and over and over again. I can never stay awake for those shows and I don’t know why she keeps watching them. They show the same shows all the time. I’ve been with My Person for 56 years now and I know I must have seen the one where the little boy kills the bird about a thousand times. But I digress.

Anyway, My Person came to pick me up and take me home. I started whining when she grabbed me and I didn’t stop until we got home. When we got there, I immediately ran to my food bowl, but it wasn’t there. Didn’t she know that I would be hungry? I hadn’t eaten anything for a really long time. She made me wait while she opened a can of the mushy food and heaped a couple of spoonfuls into my bowl. I was so hungry that I basically inhaled that serving and she gave me some more. I was soooo hungry. My Person had chicken and green beans for dinner. I was successful in guilting her into giving me a couple of green beans. She always shares after I give her the staring hungry eyes treatment. She’s so easy. We relaxed on the couch while she watched her junkman show and the two funny cops and little boy show and then we went up the steps to go to bed. It was about that time that my mouth started to hurt. It hurt really bad.

I started whining again, but this time I could tell that it really worried My Person. She looked sad and scared, so I cuddled up next to her, but I couldn’t stop whining. I tried to tone it down, but the pain would kick in and I’d get loud again. I finally fell asleep.

The next day, My Person left for the Work like she always does. I hate the Work. She always seems to be going there and she always leaves me behind. Of all the days, couldn’t she stay home today? I really needed her, but she went to the Work anyway, so I had to take care of myself. First I napped a bit. Not sure how long I was out because I still felt woozy from the day before. At some point the gurgling in my stomach woke me up. This was a really loud gurgling and I knew something bad was going to happen. I jumped down from the bed because I know how mad My Person gets when I get sick on the bed. I tried to find a good spot in the pile of dirty sheets she left outside of the bedroom that she forgot to put in the washer for the third day in a row, but the hard floor made it a bit difficult. Then I noticed that she left the door open to the other room that has a bed in it. I jumped up on that bed and as soon as I did, I got sick. I threw up right in the spot that she lays down in when she naps in that bed.

When she came home, it took her a long time to figure out what happened that day. Instead of getting upset about it, she petted me on the back and kissed me on the head. People are strange.

That evening, I didn’t eat dinner after our walk. I didn’t even beg her for any of her dinner. Plus, all that she offered me was the same stuff that I had thrown up earlier in the day. I just wasn’t hungry at all. After she watched her two funny cops show, we went to bed.

The next day was Saturday; I know that because she didn’t have to go to the Work. She woke me up that morning, which is odd because I’m usually awake long before she is. She made me go for a walk that morning. I could’ve stayed in bed. I really just wasn’t interested in doing much of anything. When we came back home, so offered me some more of the stuff I had thrown up a day or so ago. I refused. I was hoping she would realize how stupid she was being, but it didn’t seem to sink in. I mean, if you had thrown up your favorite food, would you want to eat more of it right away? No? I didn’t think so. I don’t know why she thought I would. Maybe she just wasn’t thinking.  Then she offered me bacon.  I wasn’t interested.  Bacon was too crunchy and my mouth hurt.

Our evening walk was pretty short because I didn’t have much energy and I really didn’t have any business to take care of. When we came back to the house, she offered me the same crap AGAIN. Poor Person. She’s not always the brightest, but I love her just the same.

In the middle of the night, the hunger pains kicked in and I couldn’t stand it anymore. I got up to sniff around at the snacks that she left on the bed for me, but when I did, I fell over. She immediately woke up and asked me what was wrong, like I could respond to her. I could barely hold my head up and she was asking me questions.

She picked me up and ran down the steps. She opened the cold food box and pulled out that same jar of food and those same smashed sweet potatoes. Had I not already proven to her that I could not and would not eat that mess?! I sniffed at it and turned my head, and fell over on my side. I was so weak. I hadn’t eaten anything in two days and I had no way of telling her that my stomach wouldn’t let me touch the food she was offering me. I felt the room start spinning and water started falling out of My Person’s face. She kept telling me that she loved me and asking me not to die. Die?! Was I dying?! Was that why I couldn’t stand up? Was that why the room was spinning? Good grief, My Person, please offer me something else to eat! She sat there rocking me like a Little Person and telling me that if I was ready to go, she would be ok. Ready to go? Ready to go where? I just need something to eat, lady! You must have something else to offer me. She picked me up, opened the cold food box to put the food away. Please give me something to eat! Just as she was closing the door, she stopped and pulled out a long container. She sat back down on the floor and put me down. I fell over again. I just didn’t have the strength to stand up. She picked me up, placed me in her lap, and offered me something to eat. I sniffed at it. Chicken! I didn’t have the energy to show her how excited I was, but I ate that chicken and looked at her, asking her for more. She kept giving me chicken and I was so happy. After a few pieces, my mouth started to hurt again, so I didn’t eat any more. We went back up the steps and went to bed.

The next day, she cooked me some chicken. It was much better than the stuff she had given me the night before. I still had the wobbles, but I figured that the wobbles got me chicken, so it was all good.

That evening, I was feeling much better and was quite excited about going outside. We hadn’t gotten very far when I fell over again. This time, I ended up right on my hind parts with my front legs up in the air. So embarrassing. She picked me back up, took me inside, and gave me some more chicken. Then we went outside and had a good walk. I got tired on the way home, so she carried me.

At this point, I think I have trained her to give me chicken whenever she thinks I’m feeling bad. She’s so easy.

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